I want to give a hand
Do you have a friend in need and want to know what you could be doing to help?
First, we want to thank you for taking the initiative to be here.
By reading this, you have demonstrated a sense of care and compassion essential for fulfilling your role in helping those in need. By engaging with this section, we hope you can better understand how to provide solace and play your part as peer support.
Mental health services are traditionally there to ensure that the resources needed for easing the symptoms and effects of mental conditions are available. These include providing a wealth of information on common disorders and redirecting those in need to appropriate helplines, all of which we offer. But little attention has been paid to the majority of Australians who have come to these websites to find how they can help the cause.
This is a major concern.
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As a teens, we know that most of our peers struggling with their mental health cannot even consider seeking help from their parents, let alone from a psychologist or an online support service. So whilst these resources and professional support are reaching some, the majority are left helpless, vulnerable to this sense of helplessness that makes everyday living seem so impossible.
This will be a highly personal section. We will discuss how you can support your peers or family in need to the best of your ability.
Signs to look out for:
Contents: (jump to a specific section)
In Conversation:
Whether you are conversing in person or through text, there are common warning signs you may find in your conversations that could indicate the other is struggling with their mental health. Some examples of this in text is:
I don't want to hurt anyone else.
I'm such a disappointment.
How can I stop hurting? What do i do?
I don't want to burden you, or anyone else.
I'm sorry it's all my fault.
I don't want to bring you down.
Everything only gets worse.
Anything that is similar to these statements that is excessively self-critical or self-conscious could potentially be an indication. ‘Burden’, ‘disappointment’ and ‘hurt’ are common keywords to look out for, especially in the context of recent trauma, domestic violence or extreme stress. But even if they generally seem optimistic, a spontaneous bout of negativity like this can still be a warning sign to watch out for. After all, mental illness can affect anyone, regardless of their circumstances.
If you are conversing in real life, pay close attention to their emotions.
Many who are struggling will put on a mask of happiness, ensuring that others see them as fine and cheerful. However, this is difficult to maintain and, in intimate moments, may slip to reveal signs of loneliness and hopelessness. Generally, if there are any concerning changes from how they usually are in the company of others from when they are with you, then it could be a red flag to keep in mind.
Behaviour:
Many people’s behaviour will be noticeably altered by mental illness. A typical example is losing interest in hobbies and interests, a sign that the National Institute of Mental Health found to be a telltale symptom of depression. Instead, if you notice them resorting to drug use or alcohol, they could be searching for a way to cope with their feelings or escape their loneliness and hopelessness.
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More obscure signs could include sudden changes in appearance. This could range from abruptly cutting their hair short to changes in body weight and food perception. Both sudden weight gain and weight loss are evidence of an unhealthy relationship with food, which evidences an eating disorder and possibly depression.
If they often lose concentration or memory during conversations, remember the detail, as this is yet another symptom to look out for. Alongside this, a 2018 study found that 90% of people with depression experience fatigue1, so signs of insomnia and excessive tiredness are something to keep an eye on.
Personality:
Personality varies from person to person, but some are more vulnerable to mental illness than others. If they are overly pessimistic, with a hopeless outlook on whether their life is within their control, it could be a sign that they are struggling with their mental health. Furthermore, many with depression will exhibit obvious signs of personality change (becoming more withdrawn and quiet or becoming more irritable). Although these emotions aren’t necessarily the traditional feelings of sadness or melancholy, they are telltale signs of depression or the development of another mental illness.
What can I do?
If you believe that the person you wish to support could be suffering from a mental illness, there are some key things you can do to play your part. But what is most important is to remember your role as a peer. Unless you’re a clinical psychiatrist or helpline worker, your goal cannot be to single-handedly ‘save’ them or ‘cure’ their condition; but that doesn’t make you any less important.
Both peer support and professional help are essential.
By being the friend or family member they chose to turn to, your presence alone supports them, and you should never feel discouraged fearing you are not doing enough to help. With that in mind, you must remember what the central goal of peer support is:
To make sure they know that they are not alone.
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The symptoms of depression will only deteriorate more if the person thinks they must suffer alone. Ostracised and isolated from all others who can’t seem to understand their emotions, a negative feedback loop is created as they reinforce their self-criticising and self-conscious beliefs. To help them acknowledge your presence as a caring friend who will accompany them through the pain, you must first prioritise building a sense of empathy.
Note: Empathy and NOT Sympathy
Sympathy is defined as “understanding others’ feelings from your point of view”. Although this may be beneficial in certain circumstances, when dealing with depression or mental illness, sympathy can often do more harm than good. This leads us to...
What not to do:
People who show sympathy try to understand the other’s trauma or struggle from their own point of view. Even if they didn’t intend to do so, this poses a dangerous risk of invalidating the sufferer’s feelings or rejecting them altogether. Let’s take a look at some examples:
It can't be that bad.
Snap out of it.
I've seen worse.
It's just in your head.
They're just thoughts. Try to think happier.
These are some more obvious cases of invalidating feelings, as these statements almost encourage them to believe the lie that they are ‘weak’ or ‘insignificant’. But this same effect could happen more subtly too:
These, although seemingly not as damaging, can still do harm and won’t contribute anything to the other person who is suffering. Here, you are:
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Trivialising their emotions as mere thoughts, making these feelings — their struggle — sound less important
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Asking them to do the impossible — ‘thinking happier thoughts’, which (if you didn’t already know) doesn’t cure depression
Here, we have an even more common response. The problem is that this almost trivialises their emotions as an overreaction. To a friend or family member with a mental illness, this could sound no different from “Calm down”. The sentiment here is correct, as attempting to offer reassurance is a step in the right direction, but there are other ways of saying this that mitigate the risk of invalidating their feelings.
Everything will be okay, I promise.
But you always seem fine or happy.
These are some more obvious cases of invalidating feelings, as these statements almost encourage them to believe the lie that they are ‘weak’ or ‘insignificant’. But this same effect could happen more subtly too:
These can be substituted for a variety of responses, but the common problem here is that you are offering your own advice. This is sympathy, and it can make you seem judgemental of their actions and potentially make their self-criticism worse.
If I were you I would...
I think you should...
I did...and it worked.
Many of us, including myself, are guilty of using a few of these in the past; but we must always keep them in mind and strive to do better — to be better peer support. Some general takeaways are to keep yourself and your opinions out, and avoid anything that could invalidate or make their feelings seem less significant. Your role is to listen and not to offer advice.
What should I do?
Here is where empathy shines. Defined as ‘putting yourself in others’ shoes and understanding why they may feel these particular feelings’, you should be trying to validate their feelings at every opportunity and, most importantly, ensuring they know that they are not alone.
Do you want to talk about it? I’m here whenever you’re ready.
I’m here for you if something’s happened, just let me know when you are comfortable. I don’t want to force anything on you.
If you feel up to it, I wanna hear more about how you’ve been doing.
Invite them to open up, but don’t force or push them in any way. This must be voluntary, and you must be there to create a safe space for them to show their vulnerabilities. Some things you could say include:
At all points during your conversations, make sure that you convey how much you’re willing to be there and listen to them. Your responsibility is to give them company, to hold their hand through the struggle. Some things to say are:
You're not alone.
Please remember I'm here for you.
I'm here to listen anytime.
Is there anything I can do to help?
Let me know if I can be helpful to you in any way.
​You can reiterate this even further by asking questions of yourself to them:
After they’ve revealed a little about their feelings and what’s been on their mind, you must actively find opportunities to validate their feelings. This builds trust, and helps them both to continue the conversation and to seek your support in the future. By doing so, you can become the peer support that they need to be by their side to navigate the struggles of mental illness. Some things to say are:
I’m so sorry you had to go through that, I may not understand how much it hurts but just know you are not alone.
I can’t even imagine how hard that would have been for you.
I can’t imagine what that would have made you feel.
How have you been managing?
That sounds really hard, how are you coping?
To try to further the conversation and redirect it back to them, you can try asking more into their activity and feelings.
And every once in a while, remind them truly how much they mean to you. Here, you can express this desire you feel to support them and convey that importance through words:
Just remember that you are so important to me.
I appreciate having you in my life more than you could ever know.
You truly mean so much to me.
Thank you for trusting me, it means the world to me, and I promise that I will always be here for you.
Just wanted you to know that you’ve been on my mind.
Hey, wanna catch-up sometime? I want to hear of how you’ve been doing.
Can we call?
It’s been a while, want to come over?
Most likely, these won’t be one-off conversations as there will be many times when your friend or family needs your support and a helping hand. I can only ask that you keep your compassion and care throughout this process and remind yourself of how important your role is. Some things to say and do to check up on them include:
Other fun things to try include sending photos of cute pets or ordering them their favourite food. Little things can make a big difference, and by maintaining these conversations and building support founded on trust, you can play your part in being the peer support your friend or family member needs.